Unclaimed Band Name Hall of Fame

September 29, 2014

Unclaimed Band NamesHere’s a look into what Samantha and I like to call the “Unclaimed Band Name Hall of Fame.”  So many bands out there, so many horrible names.  Some bands don’t even take a second to check to see if the awful name they have chosen has already been claimed.  Whether your band name features the word machine or little, a type of animal combined with an unrelated noun, or just cannot be verbally pronounced with certainty upon reading it, here are some extremely better original alternatives to crap.
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5-hour Energy Fail

September 25, 2014

Well, this just in, we did not win the 5-hour Energy Yummification contest in any way, shape, or form.  Sam and I did not even make it into the 5th runner up finalists category.  Well, since uploading entry videos to any other service other than theirs disqualifies you from the contest and we’ve already lost, here’s an unfrightening play button to watch our fifty second commercial for all of our YouTube and Vimeo fans!  I quickly grazed over the page of winners, and the 5-hour team seems to have chosen all videos in which a drink was concocted from a 5-hour Energy shot and only 1 other ingredient, none of which is water.  However, water was listed as one of the 10 or so acceptable ingredients.  One finalist of sorts was a smoothie, and, did I mention, tastiness of recipe (25%) and name of recipe (15%) comprised a total of 40% of the judging criteria as opposed to video quality which made up a whopping 60%.  Whatever, we live, we learn.  We followed through and entered on time and I am pretty proud of our entry.  Samantha and I constructed our video production from start to finish, building and tearing down the entire set in my living room in the same day, with a budget of whatever a mouthpiece and squeeze bottle cost.

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Unlicensed Professionals’ Scoop on Butt Touches

September 21, 2014

The Scoop on Butt Touches

The Scoop on Butt Touches

Here’s the scoop on ways you can touch a butt or your butt can be touched.  It’s a bunch of puns and everything rhymes with pooper, so you’re welcome.
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Bag Laws and My Canvas Tote Bag

September 18, 2014

New Canvas Tote Bag

New Canvas Tote Bag

     You know what really grinds my gears?  The no plastic bag law in Santa Barbara, CA.  Despite the fact that they think this will do the trick on saving the Earth [ahem, smog, cars, no public transportation, ahem], it’s kind of been a royal pain in my ass.  Now if you would like disposable bag for your groceries, drug store needs, etc., you can purchase one for 10¢—did I mention your only option for purchase are paper bags with no handles?—Because those are pretty much useless.  Now the supermarket and drug store chains can still make money off of this by forcing us to purchase their reusable grocery bags for a dollar and change, that they probably get made by the millions for a penny by small children in a country we try not to think about.  But aside from all of these medium level irritations, I have my biggest problem with the fact that I now have to carry tote bags with me 24/7 in case I find myself having a little time in the day in the proximate area of getting some grocery, household, or self care shopping done.

Get It While It's Hot

Get It While It’s Hot

     Sometimes my trips are heavy duty; you know when it seems like you are in need of not just fresh food but shampoo, garbage bags, toilet paper, a new plunger, cleaning spray, body wash, tinfoil, paper towels, mouthwash, vitamins, a mop, you get the idea.  The CVS buy one get one free on almost anything at any given time (or the mile long scroll of coupons I get to go through and attempt to utilize per each visit) is nice, but doesn’t help my volume issue.  How is one supposed to get all of these items out of the store and into ones car and into ones home?  Am I supposed to bring a luggage duffel bag with me to the store or a wheely suitcase to be able to successfully leave the register with all of my purchases?  Am I supposed to purchase and then  carry 20 canvas bags in my purse, backpack, or car at all times?  Maybe I’ll just pull my Z car up to the register and load everything directly off the conveyor belt into my trunk.  If you ask me, this bag law so far has just had me making more and more trips to the store per week due to inability to carry all of my needs at one time, and believe me, prior I can carry 10 plastic bags per arm from register to car to home, which is up a flight of stairs, in one trip.  Three canvas bags is too many, and that is still never enough.

     How do you like my rant?  This law is just another thing in life I will learn to deal with.  But if I’m going to be forced to carry a reusable tote bag, it might as well be inappropriate.  And if I’m going to have to make it inappropriate Continue reading “Bag Laws and My Canvas Tote Bag” »

The DTEASE Fuck The World To Death, Again

September 18, 2014

Glam Bitch On The Mic

Glam Bitch On The Mic

Sweet little video I edited up from The DTEASE show in Ventura, CA this past Friday September 12th.  Footage thanks to Ingrid Luna who agreed to film with my camera (and keep it safe) without hesitation.

The DTEASE

The DTEASE

Glamage
Glamage

     The new song “Fuck The World To Death” is about aliens coming down to Earth and well, fucking us humans to death.  It has a Plan 9 From Outer Space feel to it, except rays of cum shots don’t travel quite at the speed of light, thus make for a more graphic and slower climactic final destruction of Earth.  I’m hoping to incorporate some stage props and performance a la Ed Wood’s cleverly cheap and resulting goofy yet a more layered feel of depth.  I’ll let you know when I’m having a silver spray painting party of disposable party goods and you can help me hang them on fishing line.

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Unlicensed Professionals Dating Tips

September 15, 2014

Pick Our Dating Tips

Pick Our Dating Tips

One of the biggest and worst parts of life is dating.  The whole ball of action required to attempt to fulfill one’s desire to be with another person or one’s loneliness is tiring just thinking about it.  Whatever your method of meeting, mingling, or communicating, the whole charade is a joke.  And although you may have prepared or perhaps you are just naturally well versed, the whole thing is about as predictable as a game of Russian Roulette—whether or not a bullet in the brain being the desired outcome in this situation is in the eye of the beholder.  It’s hit or miss, hot or cold, drink in your face or they’re at your place.  Statistics are irrelevant on any given night, and there will come a day when your fail-safe strategies will fail you.  But if you really want to brush up on your skills, especially the ones I see guys continue to use despite utter failure, blaming the girl or situation (other than their method), Sam and I have laid out some of the biggest dead horses we see beaten every day, first hand.
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Fall Fashion Trends

September 7, 2014

Runway Shots

Runway Shots

It’s fall and Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week!  And with fall, comes a whole new style and weather friendly season of fashion.  Samantha and I have modeled 6 looks featuring trends to lookout for this autumn.

 

Here’s a cheat sheet of the hot Fall 2014 items featured in each ensemble:

– Jockey Silks

– Long Shirts and Blazers paired with lace boy shorts

– Stripes

– Heels in Bright Colors

– Animal Print Jumpsuits

– Dinosaur Wings

– Jumpers paired with Bras

– Anything Metallic or with a reflective sheen

– Hats that reach at least 5 inches above the head or paired with a Funeral veil

 

UnPros: Fall Fashion Trends from Catherine Imperio on Vimeo.

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Four Years Clean and Obscene

September 1, 2014

4 Years Clean

4 Years Clean

Today marks the anniversary of my fourth year consecutively clean from all mind altering substances minus nicotine and caffeine but including heroin, alcohol, marijuana, uppers, downers, and hallucinogens. First and foremost, I’d like to thank the anonymous.  Wait, this is not an acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.

Perhaps to your surprise, obscenity is not a behavioral result due to my lack of drugs.  I am pretty sure I have always been obscene, playing tricks along that provocative artistic line .  All I have, am, and will be doing is continuing to learn to live a Cate’s normal life without the use of drugs because though drugs can exist without Cate, Cate cannot exist with drugs.

P.S. Up until 5 or so years ago all I knew about the 12 steps was basically nothing because I learned it from Seinfeld.
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Different Strokes, From Different Folks

August 31, 2014

C'mon Now Touch Me Babe

C’mon Now Touch Me Babe

There is a plethora of ways people can and will touch you.  To make it easier on all of us, Samantha and I took a few of our most encountered strokes and gave them names.  Now strokes desired, or unfortunately the victim of, can be easily identifiable with this short list of must know terms.  Still confused?—each one comes with its own demonstration.  Enjoy and brush up on your touching vocabulary.

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