March 1, 2015
Every now and then, most of us may find ourselves in a rut. Getting too comfortable in any daily routine can become stale and boring. We need to keep challenging our brain by trying new things, even for just 5 minutes. Here are some of our “Out Of The Box Ideas,” a recurring segment on Unlicensed Professionals. All of you brave souls that try them, be sure to let us know how it goes. Now get your head out of your ass and out of the box!
Missed Episode 1? Catch up below Continue reading “Get Your Ass Out Of The Box” »
February 22, 2015
Just another comedic gem that is disgusting on way too many levels. First, pepperoni nipples. We took a delicious pizza topping and turned it into something vomit inducing. Second, women dressed as men. As a female, cross-dressing for comedic purposes has never been funny, ever. Slap a wig and lipstick on a man and more than likely anything he does from then on will be funny. And that’s all it takes, the basics. I mean any further costuming including heels, a dress, full makeup, a purse, jewelry, and any random high pitched voice only add to the laughter due to its attention to detail. When a woman “attempts” to dress as a man, it’s disgusting. On the barest Continue reading “Pepperoni Nipples for Everyone” »
February 15, 2015
What do you get when you try to combine celebrating Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day? You get Presidential Pick-Up Lines of course. Here at Unlicensed Professionals, we pride ourselves upon our undying drive toward efficiency. Additionally we are firm believers that comedy can be found anywhere and everywhere. I also wonder what turns of phrase past and present politicians use to flirt and fuck. They may not use their political power to their full comedic advantage, but only to intimidate
Continue reading “Presidential Pick-Ups” »
February 15, 2015
Elton John’s Rocket Man as interpreted by William Shatner at the 1978 Science Fiction Film Awards might be the most beautiful thing I have seen in years. It only begs the question what song I might interpret with a couple Cate holograms smoking a cigarette? And, at which upcoming awards show? [Shater begins at around :50 seconds in]
Additionally, this performance was parodied by Stewie Griffin in season 3 episode 5 of Family Guy. Below is that comedic Continue reading “Interpreted By William Shatner” »
February 8, 2015
This episode marks the beginning of a new recurring segment of Unlicensed Professionals focusing on animal reproduction; each episode highlighting featuring on a different animal, or at least non-human. The purpose of evolution is to produce healthy viable offspring. Evolution has equipped us with various conscious and unconscious tools to find a good genetic mate match for each of us. Additionally, tools or traits that increase the ability to mate and successfully carry that offspring until birth are favored—the most effective of which are maintained and developed further through natural selection. Based on location, available food, predators, sexual preference [monogamy for example], etc., the involuntary and voluntary methods of reproduction can be fascinating, and we plan to highlight these natural phenomena in upcoming episodes. For example, the female hyena has a clitoris that protrudes up to seven inches when erect. It is through this “penis-looking” clitoris that the female receives a male for sexual intercourse, urinates, and gives birth. Boy I love evolutionary psychology so this stuff really gets me off. There is more to come on the explainable eccentricities of nature…stay tuned.
Continue reading “Hyena Sex” »
February 1, 2015
Yup, we are here. As soon as the thought crossed our minds we went for it. I mean who wouldn’t want the carpet to match the green drapes at least once. The hardest part might be having to deal with pubes a length and curliness you have not seen or dealt with in years. I forgot I had the “Bermuda Triangle” option until Sam pointed that out and then things got at least a little better. I was just stoked to get to use the old, “Oh I’m growing out my pubes so I can dye them green,” excuse when hooking up with someone to explain my jungle of a crotch, give it depth, figuratively.
After project completion, I pose if I were ever to rock untamed pubes, they would have to be dyed—it’s kind of the funniest looking thing ever to me. The weeks of work [growth] are over and the dirty bleaching work [in which I looked like Kris Kringle] are over, the color applied. Will they grow longer? Have they plateaued in length to where once the color washes out my privates will be white as Christmas and ready to accept another color? Some barely there dark roots? Basically I have no idea how long this will last—I’m in Rome and I’m just gonna let this thing play itself out. For now, I keep them mainly because they make me laugh every time I pee and I’m pretty sure I can make a good amount of people laugh if I pull down my pants in public mid-conversation or let a suitor discover them during some sexual encounter. I really like experiments and seeing what happens when I introduce new stimuli; in this case, bright green pubic hair.
January 25, 2015
Our show, so similar to Keeping Up with The Kardashians, the resemblance is uncanny. Anywho, Samantha and I are enjoying a much needed complementary trip to Las Vegas. Five free nights and $250 in casino play sort of fell into my lap and once I realized it was not a scam, I didn’t question it, just took the freebies. So, I give you…RERUNS! I’m sure you haven’t seen all of the Unlicensed Professionals videos we have pooped out, so now is your time to catch up. See how it all began and how the show is dramatically getting less horrible each week. Remember, anything questionably profane I do not put in full on YouTube due to my previous account being terminated by their vague guidelines and inability to regulate the different between explicit pornography and art. Love Ya!
Unlicensed Professionals: A Vlog By Cate & Sam
Together they tackle anal bleaching, trashy trends, quick yet definitive sexy theme costumes, lizard leashes, fetishes, household fitness, and more.
New Videos Every Sunday Continue reading “Keeping Up with The UnProfessionals” »
January 18, 2015
This week Samantha and I go through the list of who should have gotten back in their limo at this year’s Golden Globe Awards. When you’re dressed like these fine actresses and actors, a trip and fall might be a better media distraction away from your horrendous fashion fuck up.
Continue reading “Red Carpet Crap-est Dressed” »