January 18, 2015
This week Samantha and I go through the list of who should have gotten back in their limo at this year’s Golden Globe Awards. When you’re dressed like these fine actresses and actors, a trip and fall might be a better media distraction away from your horrendous fashion fuck up.
Continue reading “Red Carpet Crap-est Dressed” »
January 4, 2015
The newest technique of which Samantha and myself are the pioneers and founders [if anything can be considered "new" at this point in history] is called Butt Painting or Drawing. The latter part of the term is dependent upon the medium for the method of creation remains relatively the same; using one’s buttocks as or to hold the stylus of choice. Art is all. I wake up and the arrangement of my blanket is art. I get out of bed and the action of which I throw my sheets and blanket is art. Whether I “make my bed” or leave it unmade all day is art. You get the idea, hopefully. I mean the most difficult artistic endeavor I take on each day is dressing myself. In reflecting on this project and its meaning to me, as well as how I might verbally convey that to the infinite universe, I reminisced in some quotes laid by those artists past that I respect and enjoy such as Picasso, Van Gogh, Warhol. I have always been fascinated by words—perhaps the most concrete way to arrange a thought so that it can be read literally and understood if language is not an issue. Aside from the 7 basic emotions whose facial representations can be both expressed and understood across the world by all, a painting or drawing can be used to convey everything the artist is feeling or attempting to release or describe via “pictures” of shape and color, completion of which being concrete and tangible. However, not everyone may understand without asking questions what the piece represents, if anything. Tangent aside, what words of wisdom or wisecracks will I leave to the world? Based upon this most recent butt drawing piece, the following words came to mind and perhaps can convey more to myself and the world than this entire former compilation of drivel formally known as a paragraph.
Here is the latter: a grouping of more concise word vomit…
“A sphincter is but another hand to sculpt with.” -Catherine Imperio
“At the root of every fart is art.” -Catherine Imperio
“Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.” – Pablo Picasso
“Butt painting is just another way of keeping a diarrhea.” – Catherine Imperio [based upon the words of Picasso]
“There are countless ways to become a stylus.” -Catherine Imperio
“It is far easier to create than to appreciate one’s own defecate.” -Catherine Imperio Continue reading “Butt Drawing: The Latest Art Craze” »
December 28, 2014
Most memorably and most frequently made ridiculous by Will Ferrell in Anchorman, exclamations such as “By the Beard of Zeus” and “Glistening Cleopatra” opened up the comedic door to what else two Unlicensed Professionals could conjure up and perhaps push into mainstream society for everyday usage. I am a big fan of pulling things out of my ass, both literally and figuratively, and thus it was quite the shot in the dark challenge I was up for. Here are some great carefully concocted fragments of literary nonsense; their usage made apparent through vibrant, and of fluctuation volume, tonal vocalizations. It is my hope that these idiotic idioms instill even lower expectations in our fans of what crap there is to come.
December 25, 2014
While we were dressed up Santa style for our “Bad Santas” video, I could not resist reenacting a scene from the Seinfeld episode “The Pick” which features Elaine’s Christmas card dilemma. Due to Kramer’s photographic inclusion of her nipple and Elaine’s ignorance to look closely at her own photo, she mailed it to everyone to she knew. In one scene, Elaine forces George to motorboat her in reaction to his demands for one of her Christmas cards. If you are a Seinfeld fan, I apologize for the unnecessary information I have hastily and horribly written as they do no justice to the actual filmed performance. But everyone else, start watching Seinfeld. And if you don’t get it, we probably won’t make good friends.
Here’s the original clip from Seinfeld
Continue reading “Here’s Your Christmas Card” »
December 22, 2014
Over the years, many perpetrators have both festively failed and jollily duped victims during the Christmas season. After doing our research, Samantha and I have compiled a list of our favorites. That is how we keep it festive on my couch. Enjoy and Merry XXXMAS from us Unlicensed Professionals.
Continue reading “The Naughtiest Santas” »
December 14, 2014
Imagine, such horrific abominations exist that even Samantha and myself find repulsive. I had to work up the courage to say them once, and therefore I would prefer not to mention them again. Just watch the video.
Continue reading “Yes, Things Offend Unlicensed Professionals” »
December 7, 2014
Alright kids, here’s an intimate sit down with Samantha and myself in which we divulge some of our worst and funniest sex stories. To me, all sex in retrospect is both a learning experience and most likely a good story: the good, the bad, and the ugly. For some reason, probably due to the fact that I can’t even make a sexy face if I tried without laughing, most of my sex stories are funny as fuck.
Continue reading “The Un-Pro Hollywood Story: SEX” »