Pepperoni Nipples for Everyone

February 22, 2015

To Be Born or Not To Be Born Pepperoni

To Be Born or Not To Be Born Pepperoni

Just another comedic gem that is disgusting on way too many levels.  First, pepperoni nipples.  We took a delicious pizza topping and turned it into something vomit inducing.  Second, women dressed as men.  As a female, cross-dressing for comedic purposes has never been funny, ever.  Slap a wig and lipstick on a man and more than likely anything he does from then on will be funny.  And that’s all it takes, the basics.  I mean any further costuming including heels, a dress, full makeup, a purse, jewelry, and any random high pitched voice only add to the laughter due to its attention to detail.  When a woman “attempts” to dress as a man, it’s disgusting.  On the barest Continue reading “Pepperoni Nipples for Everyone” »

Presidential Pick-Ups

February 15, 2015

More Like Sex-cretary of State

More Like Sex-cretary of State

What do you get when you try to combine celebrating Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day?  You get Presidential Pick-Up Lines of course. Here at Unlicensed Professionals, we pride ourselves upon our undying drive toward efficiency. Additionally we are firm believers that comedy can be found anywhere and everywhere. I also wonder what turns of phrase past and present politicians use to flirt and fuck.  They may not use their political power to their full comedic advantage, but only to intimidate.
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Interpreted By William Shatner

February 15, 2015

Elton John’s Rocket Man as interpreted by William Shatner at the 1978 Science Fiction Film Awards might be the most beautiful thing I have seen in years.  It only begs the question what song I might interpret with a couple Cate holograms smoking a cigarette?  And, at which upcoming awards show? [Shater begins at around :50 seconds in]

Additionally, this performance was parodied by Stewie Griffin in season 3 episode 5 of Family Guy. Below is that comedic Continue reading “Interpreted By William Shatner” »

Hyena Sex

February 8, 2015

Rough Sex

Rough Sex

This episode marks the beginning of a new recurring segment of Unlicensed Professionals focusing on animal reproduction; each episode highlighting featuring on a different animal, or at least non-human.  The purpose of evolution is to produce healthy viable offspring.  Evolution has equipped us with various conscious and unconscious tools to find a good genetic mate match for each of us.  Additionally, tools or traits that increase the ability to mate and successfully carry that offspring until birth are favored—the most effective of which are maintained and developed further through natural selection.  Based on location, available food, predators, sexual preference [monogamy for example], etc., the involuntary and voluntary methods of reproduction can be fascinating, and we plan to highlight these natural phenomena in upcoming episodes. For example, the female hyena has a clitoris that protrudes up to seven inches when erect.  It is through this “penis-looking” clitoris that the female receives a male for sexual intercourse, urinates, and gives birth.  Boy I love evolutionary psychology so this stuff really gets me off.  There is more to come on the explainable eccentricities of nature…stay tuned.
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Pube Art

February 1, 2015

They're Pubically Delicious!

They’re Pubically Delicious!

Yup, we are here.  As soon as the thought crossed our minds we went for it.  I mean who wouldn’t want the carpet to match the green drapes at least once.  The hardest part might be having to deal with pubes a length and curliness you have not seen or dealt with in years.  I forgot I had the “Bermuda Triangle” option until Sam pointed that out and then things got at least a little better.  I was just stoked to get to use the old, “Oh I’m growing out my pubes so I can dye them green,” excuse when hooking up with someone to explain my jungle of a crotch, give it depth, figuratively.

After project completion, I pose if I were ever to rock untamed pubes, they would have to be dyed—it’s kind of the funniest looking thing ever to me.  The weeks of work [growth] are over and the dirty bleaching work [in which I looked like Kris Kringle] are over, the color applied.  Will they grow longer? Have they plateaued in length to where once the color washes out my privates will be white as Christmas and ready to accept another color?  Some barely there dark roots?  Basically I have no idea how long this will last—I’m in Rome and I’m just gonna let this thing play itself out.  For now, I keep them mainly because they make me laugh every time I pee and I’m pretty sure I can make a good amount of people laugh if I pull down my pants in public mid-conversation or let a suitor discover them during some sexual encounter.  I really like experiments and seeing what happens when I introduce new stimuli; in this case, bright green pubic hair.

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Keeping Up with The UnProfessionals

January 25, 2015

Ron Jeremy and Shit

Ron Jeremy and Shit

Our show, so similar to Keeping Up with The Kardashians, the resemblance is uncanny.  Anywho, Samantha and I are enjoying a much needed complementary trip to Las Vegas.  Five free nights and $250 in casino play sort of fell into my lap and once I realized it was not a scam, I didn’t question it, just took the freebies.  So, I give you…RERUNS!  I’m sure you haven’t seen all of the Unlicensed Professionals videos we have pooped out, so now is your time to catch up.  See how it all began and how the show is dramatically getting less horrible each week.  Remember, anything questionably profane I do not put in full on YouTube due to my previous account being terminated by their vague guidelines and inability to regulate the different between explicit pornography and art.  Love Ya!

Explore Vimeo Channel

Unlicensed Professionals

Unlicensed Professionals: A Vlog By Cate & Sam
Together they tackle anal bleaching, trashy trends, quick yet definitive sexy theme costumes, lizard leashes, fetishes, household fitness, and more.

New Videos Every Sunday Continue reading “Keeping Up with The UnProfessionals” »

Red Carpet Crap-est Dressed

January 18, 2015

More Crap on The Red Carpet

More Crap on The Red Carpet

This week Samantha and I go through the list of who should have gotten back in their limo at this year’s Golden Globe Awards.  When you’re dressed like these fine actresses and actors, a trip and fall might be a better media distraction away from your horrendous fashion fuck up.
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Party Up Lombard Street

January 11, 2015

Braving San Francisco

Braving San Francisco

Need I say more? More than likely the answer is yes, but I’m too fucking tired and I’m not
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Platy-Pussy

January 8, 2015

Shoes to Match

Shoes to Match

Duck Face 4 Life

P.S. I used to wear these to train during swim team practice. Continue reading “Platy-Pussy” »

Butt Drawing: The Latest Art Craze

January 4, 2015

"Art is but a premeditated fart." -Cate Imperio

“Art is but a premeditated fart.” -Cate Imperio

The newest technique of which Samantha and myself are the pioneers and founders [if anything can be considered "new" at this point in history] is called Butt Painting or Drawing.  The latter part of the term is dependent upon the medium for the method of creation remains relatively the same; using one’s buttocks as or to hold the stylus of choice.  Art is all. I wake up and the arrangement of my blanket is art.  I get out of bed and the action of which I throw my sheets and blanket is art.  Whether I “make my bed” or leave it unmade all day is art. You get the idea, hopefully. I mean the most difficult artistic endeavor I take on each day is dressing myself. In reflecting on this project and its meaning to me, as well as how I might verbally convey that to the infinite universe, I reminisced in some quotes laid by those artists past that I respect and enjoy such as Picasso, Van Gogh, Warhol.  I have always been fascinated by words—perhaps the most concrete way to arrange a thought so that it can be read literally and understood if language is not an issue.  Aside from the 7 basic emotions whose facial representations can be both expressed and understood across the world by all, a painting or drawing can be used to convey everything the artist is feeling or attempting to release or describe via “pictures” of shape and color, completion of which being concrete and tangible.  However, not everyone may understand without asking questions what the piece represents, if anything. Tangent aside, what words of wisdom or wisecracks will I leave to the world? Based upon this most recent butt drawing piece, the following words came to mind and perhaps can convey more to myself and the world than this entire former compilation of drivel formally known as a paragraph.

Here is the latter: a grouping of more concise word vomit…

“A sphincter is but another hand to sculpt with.” -Catherine Imperio

“At the root of every fart is art.” -Catherine Imperio

“Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.” – Pablo Picasso

“Butt painting is just another way of keeping a diarrhea.” – Catherine Imperio [based upon the words of Picasso]

“There are countless ways to become a stylus.” -Catherine Imperio

“It is far easier to create than to appreciate one’s own defecate.” -Catherine Imperio Continue reading “Butt Drawing: The Latest Art Craze” »