Guarantee You Finish First

March 29, 2015

Buh-Bye

Buh-Bye

You might be thinking, is there even a situation where I would want to?  Well, there are many situations [both sexual and non-sexual] that you may want to excuse yourself from. These awful times can include invitations, obligations, and just plain old everyday conversations. Here’s our list of excuses, results ranging from tamely walking away to frantically and horrifyingly making the other person walk away.

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Welcome To The U.P.D.M.V.

March 22, 2015

Get Traffic Schooled

Get Traffic Schooled

The Department of Motor Vehicles, UnPros style: meaning you don’t have to hang yourself at this one. If anything, we’ll be hanging you if you’re one of the assholes pulling the following moves on the road. So brush up on your driving skills or we’ll make sure to brush your entire body with the front of our car.

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1 Year of Unlicensed Professionals

March 16, 2015

Happy Birthday Misses Unlicensed Professionals

Happy Birthday Misses Unlicensed Professionals

Well, here we are, 1 year later.  I just spent way too long finding and compiling this footage. It turns out I was extremely less organized with my digital files than I am now.  So just watch it because I’m done writing. Oh and maybe if you like us, you could let us know, and let your friends know, and let your mom know, and let your mom’s friends know.  And if your mom is dead, maybe try your dad and his friends.

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Is Your Recent Achievement Fridge Worthy?

March 8, 2015

Fridge Worthy

Fridge Worthy

From the time we were kids, we can remember our finger paintings, good report cards, test scores, being hung by our parents on the refrigerator for all of the house to see.  The act of hanging such achievements on the refrigerator often demonstrates another sign of approval, commemoration, and familial fame.  As we get older, our achievements can take a vast variety of forms in an endless pool of adult activities, liabilities, responsibilities.  This week we commemorate those adult merits that are not, “Fridge Worthy.”  Odds are, we’re the one’s in charge of refrigerator hanging these days, and often times our judgement can be askew, not to mention bias.  Odds are we don’t make enough money to own a stainless steel refrigerator in which magnets do not attach and hanging with such is impossible.  Therefore, we need help.  We need help knowing what to be proud of…like the dirt on the bottom of my left foot for example.

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Get Your Ass Out Of The Box

March 1, 2015

Oh How To Get Out Of The Box?

Oh How To Get Out Of The Box?

Every now and then, most of us may find ourselves in a rut.  Getting too comfortable in any daily routine can become stale and boring.  We need to keep challenging our brain by trying new things, even for just 5 minutes.  Here are some of our “Out Of The Box Ideas,” a recurring segment on Unlicensed Professionals.  All of you brave souls that try them, be sure to let us know how it goes.  Now get your head out of your ass and out of the box!

Missed Episode 1? Catch up below Continue reading “Get Your Ass Out Of The Box” »

Pepperoni Nipples for Everyone

February 22, 2015

To Be Born or Not To Be Born Pepperoni

To Be Born or Not To Be Born Pepperoni

Just another comedic gem that is disgusting on way too many levels.  First, pepperoni nipples.  We took a delicious pizza topping and turned it into something vomit inducing.  Second, women dressed as men.  As a female, cross-dressing for comedic purposes has never been funny, ever.  Slap a wig and lipstick on a man and more than likely anything he does from then on will be funny.  And that’s all it takes, the basics.  I mean any further costuming including heels, a dress, full makeup, a purse, jewelry, and any random high pitched voice only add to the laughter due to its attention to detail.  When a woman “attempts” to dress as a man, it’s disgusting.  On the barest Continue reading “Pepperoni Nipples for Everyone” »

Presidential Pick-Ups

February 15, 2015

More Like Sex-cretary of State

More Like Sex-cretary of State

What do you get when you try to combine celebrating Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day?  You get Presidential Pick-Up Lines of course. Here at Unlicensed Professionals, we pride ourselves upon our undying drive toward efficiency. Additionally we are firm believers that comedy can be found anywhere and everywhere. I also wonder what turns of phrase past and present politicians use to flirt and fuck.  They may not use their political power to their full comedic advantage, but only to intimidate.
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Interpreted By William Shatner

February 15, 2015

Elton John’s Rocket Man as interpreted by William Shatner at the 1978 Science Fiction Film Awards might be the most beautiful thing I have seen in years.  It only begs the question what song I might interpret with a couple Cate holograms smoking a cigarette?  And, at which upcoming awards show? [Shater begins at around :50 seconds in]

Additionally, this performance was parodied by Stewie Griffin in season 3 episode 5 of Family Guy. Below is that comedic Continue reading “Interpreted By William Shatner” »

Hyena Sex

February 8, 2015

Rough Sex

Rough Sex

This episode marks the beginning of a new recurring segment of Unlicensed Professionals focusing on animal reproduction; each episode highlighting featuring on a different animal, or at least non-human.  The purpose of evolution is to produce healthy viable offspring.  Evolution has equipped us with various conscious and unconscious tools to find a good genetic mate match for each of us.  Additionally, tools or traits that increase the ability to mate and successfully carry that offspring until birth are favored—the most effective of which are maintained and developed further through natural selection.  Based on location, available food, predators, sexual preference [monogamy for example], etc., the involuntary and voluntary methods of reproduction can be fascinating, and we plan to highlight these natural phenomena in upcoming episodes. For example, the female hyena has a clitoris that protrudes up to seven inches when erect.  It is through this “penis-looking” clitoris that the female receives a male for sexual intercourse, urinates, and gives birth.  Boy I love evolutionary psychology so this stuff really gets me off.  There is more to come on the explainable eccentricities of nature…stay tuned.
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